In reviewing a few client notes recently, I came across some comments on a woman who suffers from chronic negative thinking. The result of her bad habit brought on not only emotional turmoil, but various physical (and life threatening) ailments as well. Valerie's habitual negative thinking was so deep-seated, she failed to see it as the root of her suffering. And she was looking to me for justification of her (negative) thoughts and permission to voice them.
My notes on Valerie said that she needed to gain power over the mind, her thoughts, in order to gain power over her energy-body and health. OK, simple enough, right? Not really. For a lot of people, most of us, in fact, it takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment to gain control over thought. For Valerie, the most basic first step was to stop complaining—out loud. This was an attainable action step in my opinion. If she could at least stop saying her (negative) thoughts out loud—in effect, giving them life—they would slowly melt away. By voicing them, however, everyone she came into contact with felt her bad energy—alienating her. She perceived this as not being loved.
To find reason for negative thinking— and voicing it—is OK as long as our intent is to find deeper understanding and awareness for bringing positive change. But to defend, justify, rationalize, or validate negative thinking is like brainwashing ourselves. The negative thinking settles in ever more deeply into our consciousness when we express bad thoughts out loud—making it harder for us to self-reflect and see the damage of our poor behavior. Outwardly expressing bad thoughts actually disrupts our personal energy field; other people not only hear the negative words, but they feel the bad "vibe" pulsating from our very presence. And they avoid us.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the mind holds power to steer us in one direction or the other—negative or positive—regardless of where we may be on life's path. In fact, studies have shown the effect negative thoughts can have a person's inability to heal, while positive thoughts, such as feeling loved and supported, have proven to bring those with serious illness back to complete health! A favorite book of mine, "Peace, Love, and Healing" by Dr. Bernie Siegel, talks extensively on the power of love (and thought) for healing. In Dr. Siegel's book, he provides many case studies where a person's positive feelings or thoughts toward a particular treatment (even a placebo) lead to complete recovery.
Another favorite book by John-Rogers and Peter McWilliams is, You Can't Afford the Luxury of A Negative Thought—A Book for People With Any Life-threatening Illness—Including Life. The book is divided in two sections: the Disease and The Cure. In it, the authors say, "The disease in not any specific illness, but what we believe to be the precursor of all life-threatening illness—negative thinking." The cure, they say, is not a wonder drug, vaccination, or The Magic Bullet. They outline the cure in three simple steps: 1) spend time focusing on the positive; 2) spend less time thinking negatively; 3) enjoy each moment. Pretty straight forward, but as the book says—far from easy!
The very first paragraph offers a clear definition about the impact of our thoughts. "A simple thought. A few micromilliwatts of energy flowing through our brain. A seemingly innocuous, almost ephemeral thing. And yet, a thought—or, more accurately, a carefully orchestrated series of thoughts—has a significant impact on our mind, our body and our emotions.”
I bought this book many years ago when I took on the role of full-time caregiver for a family member who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The title itself told me I (we) needed the book. Problem was, she wasn't interested. Turns out, she wasn't one of those fighters you sometimes hear about who miraculously recover from terminal illness. No, as if waiting by the gates for someone to provide access, she easily slipped into fate's open door. As she lay dying, and I cared for her, the independent woman I'd known became as needy as a newborn baby—completely reliant on me for everything. The little "help me" bell I'd placed on her nightstand was like a colicky baby—no amount of nurturing would make it stop. Close to me only by the nature of our family tie, we hadn't really been emotionally connected. As it turned out though, our relationship was the one and only place she felt love in her last days (at least that's what she repeatedly told me). I believe a final gift to herself was to slip into the process of dying (fate's door) to experience that long-lost feeling of love. Despite having children, the many years of heartache toward their mother prevented them from forgiving her or provide the level of personal care and love she needed. For many years, she'd lived a lonely and quiet life in a small, remote town. But, in our time together, she felt a sense of belonging once again. Under my constant watchful eye, she felt love.
The common denominator between my negative-thinking client and terminally ill relative was their living the role of victim and general lack of feeling loved. They allowed other people's actions, and their own regrets, to deeply affect them, causing profound personal suffering—bringing yet further heartache to those around them—a vicious circle. Valerie didn't have the ability to forgive family members who, she felt, loved her only if "this or that" was just so—that is to say, with conditions. She figured there must be something wrong with her if others couldn't love her. Her very behavior (negativity) is what distanced those whose very love she craved. Valerie's perception of not being loved caused her to feel abused—victimized. My relative (as well as her children) harbored ill-will around abandonment issues—all sides played the role of victim. In the children's belief, there was not enough time in their mother's last days to repair the damage, so why bother. Sadly, she accepted this. In her mind, she was the ultimate victim; deserving forgiveness from her children (without being worthy of it—in their minds) as she lay dying.
When we take something to heart—personally—we fall into the trap of feeling victimized. In this place we not only feel helpless, but our pride gets in the way. We can't find the courage to take the first step toward mending broken relationships or even forgiving ourselves. But, if we can come to understand that each person is doing the best they can with what they have in each moment, we begin the process of forgiveness—where the underlying source of true healing—love—is revealed. Once in the role of victim, though, it is extremely hard to maneuver out of it alone.
An important shift in thought—perspective—lies the answer to freeing ourselves from the grips of that victim role, and the new thought is this: People are going to behave how they do regardless of who's in their range. It's Not About You! The first taste of freedom comes when each of us take personal responsibility in our own reactions and thoughts toward what others do, don't do, say or don't say. This is where real change begins. If we can shift our thought from, "I can't believe she said that to me or looked at me that way" to one of, perhaps, "she must be having a rough day (or even life!) and I need to realize she acts this way around everybody, not just me". And, as Gandhi said, "Be the Change You Wish to See...". Don't react with the same energy, but from a place of compassion, love—even if it's for yourself! If you want understanding and kindness from others, be that. Someone needs to take that first step, the high road, maybe it needs to be you.
The number one most important step to bring real change is to surround yourself with people who represent the person you want to be, the energy you want to feel and experience, the genuine love which you seek. We must build a new community with like-minded souls if the community we have is not working for us—if it is not reflective of the positive and happy person we want to be. Granted, sometimes this feels nearly impossible unless you want to abandon certain family members! Not advisable. But, this is where "taking the high road" comes in. We do this by becoming "aware" of the negativity and then "becoming the change" (bringing positive energy in). By being aware of the negativity, then giving it no more energy—by voicing it or reacting to it—you are in the driver's seat to improve the entire situation. This silent, but powerful, action (of not saying or repeating "it" out loud!) is sometimes all that's needed to change the entire chemistry (energy) for everyone.
Despite my teaching Valerie about the damage to her energy field, the weekly homework, and her broad team of health care providers, she simply didn't have what it took to overcome her negative thoughts. After our sessions, I saw a sense of warmth (love) radiating from her aura, but she couldn't hold it for more than a couple of days. At one point, we were having up to three sessions per week. In addition to energy work, I gave Valerie a little guidance on which words to use or not use—and a whole lot of love. Love (without conditions) is what she felt in our sessions; something she felt was missing in other areas of her life. Her unwillingness to forgive people (the people who did "it" to her) blocked energy in her heart center; limiting the amount of love she would—or could—receive in everyday life.
Eventually, Valerie and I stopped working together. She wasn't committed to doing the work and I wasn't willing to negotiate on what I felt was needed: to stop giving the negative thinking a voice, even for just one day. This negative thinking disrupts the entire energy-body and requires constant mental focus to change the habit. It can be done, but one must first have the desire for change. Valerie was unwilling (she had no desire) to heal herself.
One more example of just how powerful our minds are, I give this final result. My relative with cancer was given the prognosis of 6 months to live. She accepted this terminal sentence without an ounce of fight. Filled with a deep sense of sadness, she died a lonely death almost exactly 6 months (to the day) of her diagnosis.
The above examples show reluctance to accept the healing power of love, but more often than not, people embrace this divine gift. And more often than not, love does heal. Many of my clients simply need a little dose, a little reminder, of what unconditional love feels like to set them on a new—often familiar—path. Imagine if each of us took personal responsibility to see others as love—especially those who violate the laws of love (those who hurt us) as merely suffering themselves. It isn't in our (human) nature to want to harm one another—those who do it, do so out of their own suffering. If we can come to see the "violators" as suffering, instead of thinking negatively about their behavior, we are able to find compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, love. We become the change.
When struggling with the chore of changing negative thought patterns, I offer two first steps to help. First, do not give the bad thought a voice or respond to negative words, energy, or actions from others. Take the high road! This can be hard at first, but just try it for a day or two—or even a week! See if you can really stick with it. Secondly, begin creating a new (expanded) community of friends who support the way you want to think—positive, enthusiastic, and joyful, perhaps?!? These people are not hard to find; although, they are likely not hanging around the 'water cooler' at work (where gossip tends to spread). People who embody love tend to radiate joy and calmness and have a magnetic draw—others gravitate toward them. We have a desire to be near them because it just feels so good to be in their presence.
One more simple, but powerful tool I use when feeling violated or tempted to take on the role of victim is to mentally chant, It's not About Me, It's Not About Me, It's Not About Me. Repeating (and believing) these words shifts us to a higher state of awareness. We become more objective—because we get out of the way! This very simple action from each of us would shift our environments (and perhaps our culture) to one of peace, non-judgment, joy. Leaving no room for anything else—smothering out the negative thoughts, actions, and behavior of the violators.
To bring real change takes personal will, determination, and a lot of courage, but it also takes a sense of feeling supported and loved. When we love people (and ourselves!) without expectation or condition, we are giving a Universal gift of healing—which "is" love. When we call upon that one (cosmic) love and choose to expand it, we bring lasting, permanent, healing. Surround yourself with loving people and you will not only be cured of any negative traits, but you will become that very thing you desire—love!
No comments:
Post a Comment