A lot of people ask me, "How did you do it?". Meaning, how did I leave my job to "Follow My Heart" and do the work I love. Their question is somewhat in the context of how I did it emotionally, but usually, how I "actually" did it. They want to know, what actual steps I took to start my own practice. They want to know because, like me, they are interested in doing more meaningful work.
When I first started out, I didn't keep good track of my expenses or give any thought to what the next six months or year might look like. I didn't ask myself too many business-related questions at all, in fact. You might even say, my new business was sort of like therapy! I jumped into it with complete abandon throwing all caution to the wind. Once I found my office space, it was like playing house. I had free reign to make the space look and feel however I wanted---it was mine to transform. I found just the right rug, furniture, lamps, and artwork. I painted the walls a warm yellowish-golden tone---something I wouldn't have the courage to put on my walls at home. (But, I do now!). And without even knowing the name of the final paint winner, I'd settled on a color called "Lucky Duck". Boy, was I. So lucky---so blessed---to have the opportunity to be building a richer and more meaningful work life.
In retrospect, though, I wish I would have paid a little more attention to my expenses. Since I was still working full time in my corporate job I had a good steady income to pay for my part-time fun. I didn't know how much money I was spending and didn't care. My soul was singing and I felt life coming back into step. As fun as it was, I don't recommend this approach!
I've learned a few lessons, like the long-term benefits of having a budget! I am sharing my wisdom and many "lessons learned" with anyone who is interested in benefiting from them. The number one best thing I could have done is to write a simple, even a draft, Business Plan. Taking a little time to get a few important things on paper is like planning for a long road trip. It's a good idea to have a detailed map and a pretty good understanding of where you're headed. A business plan is your map and your destination in one. It can even be designed for a little detour here and there!
On Wednesday, March 9th, I will be teaching my second class on "How To Start Your Own Healing Practice". The first time I offered this class, it was focused more on the inspirational side of things. This time, I've invited my personal business management coach, Leah Jacobs, to co-teach with me. Leah specializes in small business start ups and helped me get clear on the business side of things in my practice. Although, my time playing house was great, I needed to remember it was also a business---Leah brought the two together for me just beautifully.
If you or someone you know is looking for help to start a, or build an existing, healing practice this class will offer some tools that might just take things to the next level. We have designed the class with a focus on how to develop a draft business plan. We will walk through some basic steps as participants work to find answers to write the draft---during the class. It is sort of like a workshop. It will be insightful and full of opportunity to ask questions. We hope to keep Q&A going throughout!
Class will be held at East West Bookshop in Seattle. Follow this link on how to sign up. http://www.eastwestbookshop.com/events/single_event.php?ID=2439
Follow Your Heart! .....joy to you!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
In Defense of the M.D.
As my interest in natural healing expands, I am called to attend various events, classes, and workshops. Recently, I attended a workshop about using plant-based remedies for healing—herbal medicine. I picked up some new information, disagreed with some of what was said, and got a little impatient with the victims blaming their doctors for not curing what ailed them. Turns out, it was a hot issue. The idea that all medical doctors are part of the conspiracy—out to take advantage of us—was a common belief with this particular group. The majority believed that they (the MDs) are "in" with the pharmaceutical companies and out to make a profit by selling products or withholding the complete answer to keep us coming back (to put more money on their pockets). I call B.S. on this! Well, perhaps it's true in some cases, but not to the extent that I was hearing.
I understand why some people think this way, but I've had the opposite experience. It's not to say I haven't questioned or felt frustrated by the western-practicing docs—I certainly have! But when I made the decision to actually partner with my doctor, our communication changed—and so did everything in my life. To partner means to get on board as a "team member" and actually participate in the health care plan instead of expecting the doc to have all the answers!
I think a lot of patients become frustrated because they just want someone to fix it, to make it go away and, well, let's face it, doctors are just people doing a job. Most of them do not have the staff or time to take on special case studies to dig into the deeper issues that plague us. I can relate to the frustration though. When we're sick, it's really difficult to muster up the energy to help ourselves. But sometimes help is as simple as asking the right questions and doing a little research on complementary options. For me, I was offered plenty of medications to "make it go away" but, intuitively, I knew that would only bury what ailed me for another day. Living with the burden of having to deal with it some other day only made me feel worse. I declined the make-it-go-away pill and asked my doc for a referral to an alternative doctor—not really even knowing what I was asking for or where to find it. I just knew I needed something different.
This is where I must defend the so called single-minded M.D. who gets a bad rap for not thinking outside the box. It is "because" my doctor trusted me—his partner—that he gave me the referral. Correcting my terminology, saying "we call it complementary medicine" he handed me a piece of paper with a name on it. I didn't care what he called it; I just wanted some help to heal naturally. And I knew I had what it took to heal naturally—the desire and the belief. As I took the referral he said, "I would send my wife to her" along with a few other words about this doctor's credentials. The referral was for an M.D. who practices Integrative Medicine. Although I had heard this term before, I didn't fully understand what it meant. Turns out, this was exactly "what the doctor ordered"—it was the prescription I needed. And better yet, this new doc was also a certified herbalist!
This complementary treatment transformed my life on every level. Integrative medicine is about bringing back—integrating—all the pieces to make us whole again. Integrative Medicine is to integrate mind, body, and spirit. In my case, none of the three aspects were even close to being integrated; in fact, I'd lost complete touch with what had always held me together—my spirit. That allopathic western-practicing-out-to-get-me doctor guided me on where to take the first step, which I believe saved my life. And he didn't do it with drugs. Because he trusted me, as a partner, he gave me an "outside the box" option.
No matter who we turn to for helping us with our health needs, we must get in the front seat—the driver's seat—and steer the treatment plan. The health care provider is someone we hire to provide a service. When doctors have a patient who is also working to find a solution, trust comes into the picture. Our doctors are the experts, yes, but they are also human. They can't have all the answers for all the other humans who have a gazillion different ailments, pre-dispositions, levels of stress, genetics, and so on. It would take a team of doctors—like on that TV show, "House"—to find immediate answers. Sure, we all would love that, but it isn't real! We must not only be ON the team—we must build the team. Like a business, we must take a look at our health and design a plan to maximize efficiency and improve the "Bottom Line"—the bottom line being our health, in this case.
In my previous job, we developed project plans for every single program. Each project plan was developed with three things in mind: budget, schedule, and quality. If we designed a plan to support each of these—equally—our end product, our deliverable, would meet or exceed customer expectations. But if we neglected any of the three, the whole program suffered. Our health is the same way. If we neglect any of the three primary aspects of our being—mind, body, spirit—we fall apart. But, when balanced, we find our Truth—our authentic Self. We find solutions—intuitively—to disruptions that could affect our bottom line, our health. Integration of mind-body-spirit is the cheapest, most efficient, productive, and empowering approach to wellness.
So, in defense of the Medical Doctors out there, they are not the bad guy. They are just part of the team "you" are meant to build to meet all deliverables in your project plan. What are your deliverables? To have unity and balance in every aspect of your life? If so, focusing on mind-body-spirit integration is what you need to do. But, you must partner (be part of the team) if you expect to find complete and lasting healing.
Just as the engineering team at my old job had to deliver the end product on time, within budget, and in compliance with quality standards, we, too, must keep an eye on having a sound mind, strong body, while living in compliance with Spirit, our Soul-Self. Basically, if we aim to meet our primary deliverable—perfect wellness—we must live our Truth.
My health care "project plan" consists of the following: two Medical Doctors (one allopathic and one integrative); acupuncture; herbal medicine; body work, including massage, energy work, cranial sacral; yoga; meditation; and "following my heart" to do the work I love. These things have brought mind-body-spirit back into balance for me. My life has transformed completely over the past several years. It all started with my Medical Doctor—because I partnered with him.
Lastly, if your existing doctor is not cutting it, find a new doctor! There are plenty of great think-outside-the-box docs out there.
I understand why some people think this way, but I've had the opposite experience. It's not to say I haven't questioned or felt frustrated by the western-practicing docs—I certainly have! But when I made the decision to actually partner with my doctor, our communication changed—and so did everything in my life. To partner means to get on board as a "team member" and actually participate in the health care plan instead of expecting the doc to have all the answers!
I think a lot of patients become frustrated because they just want someone to fix it, to make it go away and, well, let's face it, doctors are just people doing a job. Most of them do not have the staff or time to take on special case studies to dig into the deeper issues that plague us. I can relate to the frustration though. When we're sick, it's really difficult to muster up the energy to help ourselves. But sometimes help is as simple as asking the right questions and doing a little research on complementary options. For me, I was offered plenty of medications to "make it go away" but, intuitively, I knew that would only bury what ailed me for another day. Living with the burden of having to deal with it some other day only made me feel worse. I declined the make-it-go-away pill and asked my doc for a referral to an alternative doctor—not really even knowing what I was asking for or where to find it. I just knew I needed something different.
This is where I must defend the so called single-minded M.D. who gets a bad rap for not thinking outside the box. It is "because" my doctor trusted me—his partner—that he gave me the referral. Correcting my terminology, saying "we call it complementary medicine" he handed me a piece of paper with a name on it. I didn't care what he called it; I just wanted some help to heal naturally. And I knew I had what it took to heal naturally—the desire and the belief. As I took the referral he said, "I would send my wife to her" along with a few other words about this doctor's credentials. The referral was for an M.D. who practices Integrative Medicine. Although I had heard this term before, I didn't fully understand what it meant. Turns out, this was exactly "what the doctor ordered"—it was the prescription I needed. And better yet, this new doc was also a certified herbalist!
This complementary treatment transformed my life on every level. Integrative medicine is about bringing back—integrating—all the pieces to make us whole again. Integrative Medicine is to integrate mind, body, and spirit. In my case, none of the three aspects were even close to being integrated; in fact, I'd lost complete touch with what had always held me together—my spirit. That allopathic western-practicing-out-to-get-me doctor guided me on where to take the first step, which I believe saved my life. And he didn't do it with drugs. Because he trusted me, as a partner, he gave me an "outside the box" option.
No matter who we turn to for helping us with our health needs, we must get in the front seat—the driver's seat—and steer the treatment plan. The health care provider is someone we hire to provide a service. When doctors have a patient who is also working to find a solution, trust comes into the picture. Our doctors are the experts, yes, but they are also human. They can't have all the answers for all the other humans who have a gazillion different ailments, pre-dispositions, levels of stress, genetics, and so on. It would take a team of doctors—like on that TV show, "House"—to find immediate answers. Sure, we all would love that, but it isn't real! We must not only be ON the team—we must build the team. Like a business, we must take a look at our health and design a plan to maximize efficiency and improve the "Bottom Line"—the bottom line being our health, in this case.
In my previous job, we developed project plans for every single program. Each project plan was developed with three things in mind: budget, schedule, and quality. If we designed a plan to support each of these—equally—our end product, our deliverable, would meet or exceed customer expectations. But if we neglected any of the three, the whole program suffered. Our health is the same way. If we neglect any of the three primary aspects of our being—mind, body, spirit—we fall apart. But, when balanced, we find our Truth—our authentic Self. We find solutions—intuitively—to disruptions that could affect our bottom line, our health. Integration of mind-body-spirit is the cheapest, most efficient, productive, and empowering approach to wellness.
So, in defense of the Medical Doctors out there, they are not the bad guy. They are just part of the team "you" are meant to build to meet all deliverables in your project plan. What are your deliverables? To have unity and balance in every aspect of your life? If so, focusing on mind-body-spirit integration is what you need to do. But, you must partner (be part of the team) if you expect to find complete and lasting healing.
Just as the engineering team at my old job had to deliver the end product on time, within budget, and in compliance with quality standards, we, too, must keep an eye on having a sound mind, strong body, while living in compliance with Spirit, our Soul-Self. Basically, if we aim to meet our primary deliverable—perfect wellness—we must live our Truth.
My health care "project plan" consists of the following: two Medical Doctors (one allopathic and one integrative); acupuncture; herbal medicine; body work, including massage, energy work, cranial sacral; yoga; meditation; and "following my heart" to do the work I love. These things have brought mind-body-spirit back into balance for me. My life has transformed completely over the past several years. It all started with my Medical Doctor—because I partnered with him.
Lastly, if your existing doctor is not cutting it, find a new doctor! There are plenty of great think-outside-the-box docs out there.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Love & Healing
In reviewing a few client notes recently, I came across some comments on a woman who suffers from chronic negative thinking. The result of her bad habit brought on not only emotional turmoil, but various physical (and life threatening) ailments as well. Valerie's habitual negative thinking was so deep-seated, she failed to see it as the root of her suffering. And she was looking to me for justification of her (negative) thoughts and permission to voice them.
My notes on Valerie said that she needed to gain power over the mind, her thoughts, in order to gain power over her energy-body and health. OK, simple enough, right? Not really. For a lot of people, most of us, in fact, it takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment to gain control over thought. For Valerie, the most basic first step was to stop complaining—out loud. This was an attainable action step in my opinion. If she could at least stop saying her (negative) thoughts out loud—in effect, giving them life—they would slowly melt away. By voicing them, however, everyone she came into contact with felt her bad energy—alienating her. She perceived this as not being loved.
To find reason for negative thinking— and voicing it—is OK as long as our intent is to find deeper understanding and awareness for bringing positive change. But to defend, justify, rationalize, or validate negative thinking is like brainwashing ourselves. The negative thinking settles in ever more deeply into our consciousness when we express bad thoughts out loud—making it harder for us to self-reflect and see the damage of our poor behavior. Outwardly expressing bad thoughts actually disrupts our personal energy field; other people not only hear the negative words, but they feel the bad "vibe" pulsating from our very presence. And they avoid us.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the mind holds power to steer us in one direction or the other—negative or positive—regardless of where we may be on life's path. In fact, studies have shown the effect negative thoughts can have a person's inability to heal, while positive thoughts, such as feeling loved and supported, have proven to bring those with serious illness back to complete health! A favorite book of mine, "Peace, Love, and Healing" by Dr. Bernie Siegel, talks extensively on the power of love (and thought) for healing. In Dr. Siegel's book, he provides many case studies where a person's positive feelings or thoughts toward a particular treatment (even a placebo) lead to complete recovery.
Another favorite book by John-Rogers and Peter McWilliams is, You Can't Afford the Luxury of A Negative Thought—A Book for People With Any Life-threatening Illness—Including Life. The book is divided in two sections: the Disease and The Cure. In it, the authors say, "The disease in not any specific illness, but what we believe to be the precursor of all life-threatening illness—negative thinking." The cure, they say, is not a wonder drug, vaccination, or The Magic Bullet. They outline the cure in three simple steps: 1) spend time focusing on the positive; 2) spend less time thinking negatively; 3) enjoy each moment. Pretty straight forward, but as the book says—far from easy!
The very first paragraph offers a clear definition about the impact of our thoughts. "A simple thought. A few micromilliwatts of energy flowing through our brain. A seemingly innocuous, almost ephemeral thing. And yet, a thought—or, more accurately, a carefully orchestrated series of thoughts—has a significant impact on our mind, our body and our emotions.”
I bought this book many years ago when I took on the role of full-time caregiver for a family member who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The title itself told me I (we) needed the book. Problem was, she wasn't interested. Turns out, she wasn't one of those fighters you sometimes hear about who miraculously recover from terminal illness. No, as if waiting by the gates for someone to provide access, she easily slipped into fate's open door. As she lay dying, and I cared for her, the independent woman I'd known became as needy as a newborn baby—completely reliant on me for everything. The little "help me" bell I'd placed on her nightstand was like a colicky baby—no amount of nurturing would make it stop. Close to me only by the nature of our family tie, we hadn't really been emotionally connected. As it turned out though, our relationship was the one and only place she felt love in her last days (at least that's what she repeatedly told me). I believe a final gift to herself was to slip into the process of dying (fate's door) to experience that long-lost feeling of love. Despite having children, the many years of heartache toward their mother prevented them from forgiving her or provide the level of personal care and love she needed. For many years, she'd lived a lonely and quiet life in a small, remote town. But, in our time together, she felt a sense of belonging once again. Under my constant watchful eye, she felt love.
The common denominator between my negative-thinking client and terminally ill relative was their living the role of victim and general lack of feeling loved. They allowed other people's actions, and their own regrets, to deeply affect them, causing profound personal suffering—bringing yet further heartache to those around them—a vicious circle. Valerie didn't have the ability to forgive family members who, she felt, loved her only if "this or that" was just so—that is to say, with conditions. She figured there must be something wrong with her if others couldn't love her. Her very behavior (negativity) is what distanced those whose very love she craved. Valerie's perception of not being loved caused her to feel abused—victimized. My relative (as well as her children) harbored ill-will around abandonment issues—all sides played the role of victim. In the children's belief, there was not enough time in their mother's last days to repair the damage, so why bother. Sadly, she accepted this. In her mind, she was the ultimate victim; deserving forgiveness from her children (without being worthy of it—in their minds) as she lay dying.
When we take something to heart—personally—we fall into the trap of feeling victimized. In this place we not only feel helpless, but our pride gets in the way. We can't find the courage to take the first step toward mending broken relationships or even forgiving ourselves. But, if we can come to understand that each person is doing the best they can with what they have in each moment, we begin the process of forgiveness—where the underlying source of true healing—love—is revealed. Once in the role of victim, though, it is extremely hard to maneuver out of it alone.
An important shift in thought—perspective—lies the answer to freeing ourselves from the grips of that victim role, and the new thought is this: People are going to behave how they do regardless of who's in their range. It's Not About You! The first taste of freedom comes when each of us take personal responsibility in our own reactions and thoughts toward what others do, don't do, say or don't say. This is where real change begins. If we can shift our thought from, "I can't believe she said that to me or looked at me that way" to one of, perhaps, "she must be having a rough day (or even life!) and I need to realize she acts this way around everybody, not just me". And, as Gandhi said, "Be the Change You Wish to See...". Don't react with the same energy, but from a place of compassion, love—even if it's for yourself! If you want understanding and kindness from others, be that. Someone needs to take that first step, the high road, maybe it needs to be you.
The number one most important step to bring real change is to surround yourself with people who represent the person you want to be, the energy you want to feel and experience, the genuine love which you seek. We must build a new community with like-minded souls if the community we have is not working for us—if it is not reflective of the positive and happy person we want to be. Granted, sometimes this feels nearly impossible unless you want to abandon certain family members! Not advisable. But, this is where "taking the high road" comes in. We do this by becoming "aware" of the negativity and then "becoming the change" (bringing positive energy in). By being aware of the negativity, then giving it no more energy—by voicing it or reacting to it—you are in the driver's seat to improve the entire situation. This silent, but powerful, action (of not saying or repeating "it" out loud!) is sometimes all that's needed to change the entire chemistry (energy) for everyone.
Despite my teaching Valerie about the damage to her energy field, the weekly homework, and her broad team of health care providers, she simply didn't have what it took to overcome her negative thoughts. After our sessions, I saw a sense of warmth (love) radiating from her aura, but she couldn't hold it for more than a couple of days. At one point, we were having up to three sessions per week. In addition to energy work, I gave Valerie a little guidance on which words to use or not use—and a whole lot of love. Love (without conditions) is what she felt in our sessions; something she felt was missing in other areas of her life. Her unwillingness to forgive people (the people who did "it" to her) blocked energy in her heart center; limiting the amount of love she would—or could—receive in everyday life.
Eventually, Valerie and I stopped working together. She wasn't committed to doing the work and I wasn't willing to negotiate on what I felt was needed: to stop giving the negative thinking a voice, even for just one day. This negative thinking disrupts the entire energy-body and requires constant mental focus to change the habit. It can be done, but one must first have the desire for change. Valerie was unwilling (she had no desire) to heal herself.
One more example of just how powerful our minds are, I give this final result. My relative with cancer was given the prognosis of 6 months to live. She accepted this terminal sentence without an ounce of fight. Filled with a deep sense of sadness, she died a lonely death almost exactly 6 months (to the day) of her diagnosis.
The above examples show reluctance to accept the healing power of love, but more often than not, people embrace this divine gift. And more often than not, love does heal. Many of my clients simply need a little dose, a little reminder, of what unconditional love feels like to set them on a new—often familiar—path. Imagine if each of us took personal responsibility to see others as love—especially those who violate the laws of love (those who hurt us) as merely suffering themselves. It isn't in our (human) nature to want to harm one another—those who do it, do so out of their own suffering. If we can come to see the "violators" as suffering, instead of thinking negatively about their behavior, we are able to find compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, love. We become the change.
When struggling with the chore of changing negative thought patterns, I offer two first steps to help. First, do not give the bad thought a voice or respond to negative words, energy, or actions from others. Take the high road! This can be hard at first, but just try it for a day or two—or even a week! See if you can really stick with it. Secondly, begin creating a new (expanded) community of friends who support the way you want to think—positive, enthusiastic, and joyful, perhaps?!? These people are not hard to find; although, they are likely not hanging around the 'water cooler' at work (where gossip tends to spread). People who embody love tend to radiate joy and calmness and have a magnetic draw—others gravitate toward them. We have a desire to be near them because it just feels so good to be in their presence.
One more simple, but powerful tool I use when feeling violated or tempted to take on the role of victim is to mentally chant, It's not About Me, It's Not About Me, It's Not About Me. Repeating (and believing) these words shifts us to a higher state of awareness. We become more objective—because we get out of the way! This very simple action from each of us would shift our environments (and perhaps our culture) to one of peace, non-judgment, joy. Leaving no room for anything else—smothering out the negative thoughts, actions, and behavior of the violators.
To bring real change takes personal will, determination, and a lot of courage, but it also takes a sense of feeling supported and loved. When we love people (and ourselves!) without expectation or condition, we are giving a Universal gift of healing—which "is" love. When we call upon that one (cosmic) love and choose to expand it, we bring lasting, permanent, healing. Surround yourself with loving people and you will not only be cured of any negative traits, but you will become that very thing you desire—love!
My notes on Valerie said that she needed to gain power over the mind, her thoughts, in order to gain power over her energy-body and health. OK, simple enough, right? Not really. For a lot of people, most of us, in fact, it takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment to gain control over thought. For Valerie, the most basic first step was to stop complaining—out loud. This was an attainable action step in my opinion. If she could at least stop saying her (negative) thoughts out loud—in effect, giving them life—they would slowly melt away. By voicing them, however, everyone she came into contact with felt her bad energy—alienating her. She perceived this as not being loved.
To find reason for negative thinking— and voicing it—is OK as long as our intent is to find deeper understanding and awareness for bringing positive change. But to defend, justify, rationalize, or validate negative thinking is like brainwashing ourselves. The negative thinking settles in ever more deeply into our consciousness when we express bad thoughts out loud—making it harder for us to self-reflect and see the damage of our poor behavior. Outwardly expressing bad thoughts actually disrupts our personal energy field; other people not only hear the negative words, but they feel the bad "vibe" pulsating from our very presence. And they avoid us.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the mind holds power to steer us in one direction or the other—negative or positive—regardless of where we may be on life's path. In fact, studies have shown the effect negative thoughts can have a person's inability to heal, while positive thoughts, such as feeling loved and supported, have proven to bring those with serious illness back to complete health! A favorite book of mine, "Peace, Love, and Healing" by Dr. Bernie Siegel, talks extensively on the power of love (and thought) for healing. In Dr. Siegel's book, he provides many case studies where a person's positive feelings or thoughts toward a particular treatment (even a placebo) lead to complete recovery.
Another favorite book by John-Rogers and Peter McWilliams is, You Can't Afford the Luxury of A Negative Thought—A Book for People With Any Life-threatening Illness—Including Life. The book is divided in two sections: the Disease and The Cure. In it, the authors say, "The disease in not any specific illness, but what we believe to be the precursor of all life-threatening illness—negative thinking." The cure, they say, is not a wonder drug, vaccination, or The Magic Bullet. They outline the cure in three simple steps: 1) spend time focusing on the positive; 2) spend less time thinking negatively; 3) enjoy each moment. Pretty straight forward, but as the book says—far from easy!
The very first paragraph offers a clear definition about the impact of our thoughts. "A simple thought. A few micromilliwatts of energy flowing through our brain. A seemingly innocuous, almost ephemeral thing. And yet, a thought—or, more accurately, a carefully orchestrated series of thoughts—has a significant impact on our mind, our body and our emotions.”
I bought this book many years ago when I took on the role of full-time caregiver for a family member who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The title itself told me I (we) needed the book. Problem was, she wasn't interested. Turns out, she wasn't one of those fighters you sometimes hear about who miraculously recover from terminal illness. No, as if waiting by the gates for someone to provide access, she easily slipped into fate's open door. As she lay dying, and I cared for her, the independent woman I'd known became as needy as a newborn baby—completely reliant on me for everything. The little "help me" bell I'd placed on her nightstand was like a colicky baby—no amount of nurturing would make it stop. Close to me only by the nature of our family tie, we hadn't really been emotionally connected. As it turned out though, our relationship was the one and only place she felt love in her last days (at least that's what she repeatedly told me). I believe a final gift to herself was to slip into the process of dying (fate's door) to experience that long-lost feeling of love. Despite having children, the many years of heartache toward their mother prevented them from forgiving her or provide the level of personal care and love she needed. For many years, she'd lived a lonely and quiet life in a small, remote town. But, in our time together, she felt a sense of belonging once again. Under my constant watchful eye, she felt love.
The common denominator between my negative-thinking client and terminally ill relative was their living the role of victim and general lack of feeling loved. They allowed other people's actions, and their own regrets, to deeply affect them, causing profound personal suffering—bringing yet further heartache to those around them—a vicious circle. Valerie didn't have the ability to forgive family members who, she felt, loved her only if "this or that" was just so—that is to say, with conditions. She figured there must be something wrong with her if others couldn't love her. Her very behavior (negativity) is what distanced those whose very love she craved. Valerie's perception of not being loved caused her to feel abused—victimized. My relative (as well as her children) harbored ill-will around abandonment issues—all sides played the role of victim. In the children's belief, there was not enough time in their mother's last days to repair the damage, so why bother. Sadly, she accepted this. In her mind, she was the ultimate victim; deserving forgiveness from her children (without being worthy of it—in their minds) as she lay dying.
When we take something to heart—personally—we fall into the trap of feeling victimized. In this place we not only feel helpless, but our pride gets in the way. We can't find the courage to take the first step toward mending broken relationships or even forgiving ourselves. But, if we can come to understand that each person is doing the best they can with what they have in each moment, we begin the process of forgiveness—where the underlying source of true healing—love—is revealed. Once in the role of victim, though, it is extremely hard to maneuver out of it alone.
An important shift in thought—perspective—lies the answer to freeing ourselves from the grips of that victim role, and the new thought is this: People are going to behave how they do regardless of who's in their range. It's Not About You! The first taste of freedom comes when each of us take personal responsibility in our own reactions and thoughts toward what others do, don't do, say or don't say. This is where real change begins. If we can shift our thought from, "I can't believe she said that to me or looked at me that way" to one of, perhaps, "she must be having a rough day (or even life!) and I need to realize she acts this way around everybody, not just me". And, as Gandhi said, "Be the Change You Wish to See...". Don't react with the same energy, but from a place of compassion, love—even if it's for yourself! If you want understanding and kindness from others, be that. Someone needs to take that first step, the high road, maybe it needs to be you.
The number one most important step to bring real change is to surround yourself with people who represent the person you want to be, the energy you want to feel and experience, the genuine love which you seek. We must build a new community with like-minded souls if the community we have is not working for us—if it is not reflective of the positive and happy person we want to be. Granted, sometimes this feels nearly impossible unless you want to abandon certain family members! Not advisable. But, this is where "taking the high road" comes in. We do this by becoming "aware" of the negativity and then "becoming the change" (bringing positive energy in). By being aware of the negativity, then giving it no more energy—by voicing it or reacting to it—you are in the driver's seat to improve the entire situation. This silent, but powerful, action (of not saying or repeating "it" out loud!) is sometimes all that's needed to change the entire chemistry (energy) for everyone.
Despite my teaching Valerie about the damage to her energy field, the weekly homework, and her broad team of health care providers, she simply didn't have what it took to overcome her negative thoughts. After our sessions, I saw a sense of warmth (love) radiating from her aura, but she couldn't hold it for more than a couple of days. At one point, we were having up to three sessions per week. In addition to energy work, I gave Valerie a little guidance on which words to use or not use—and a whole lot of love. Love (without conditions) is what she felt in our sessions; something she felt was missing in other areas of her life. Her unwillingness to forgive people (the people who did "it" to her) blocked energy in her heart center; limiting the amount of love she would—or could—receive in everyday life.
Eventually, Valerie and I stopped working together. She wasn't committed to doing the work and I wasn't willing to negotiate on what I felt was needed: to stop giving the negative thinking a voice, even for just one day. This negative thinking disrupts the entire energy-body and requires constant mental focus to change the habit. It can be done, but one must first have the desire for change. Valerie was unwilling (she had no desire) to heal herself.
One more example of just how powerful our minds are, I give this final result. My relative with cancer was given the prognosis of 6 months to live. She accepted this terminal sentence without an ounce of fight. Filled with a deep sense of sadness, she died a lonely death almost exactly 6 months (to the day) of her diagnosis.
The above examples show reluctance to accept the healing power of love, but more often than not, people embrace this divine gift. And more often than not, love does heal. Many of my clients simply need a little dose, a little reminder, of what unconditional love feels like to set them on a new—often familiar—path. Imagine if each of us took personal responsibility to see others as love—especially those who violate the laws of love (those who hurt us) as merely suffering themselves. It isn't in our (human) nature to want to harm one another—those who do it, do so out of their own suffering. If we can come to see the "violators" as suffering, instead of thinking negatively about their behavior, we are able to find compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, love. We become the change.
When struggling with the chore of changing negative thought patterns, I offer two first steps to help. First, do not give the bad thought a voice or respond to negative words, energy, or actions from others. Take the high road! This can be hard at first, but just try it for a day or two—or even a week! See if you can really stick with it. Secondly, begin creating a new (expanded) community of friends who support the way you want to think—positive, enthusiastic, and joyful, perhaps?!? These people are not hard to find; although, they are likely not hanging around the 'water cooler' at work (where gossip tends to spread). People who embody love tend to radiate joy and calmness and have a magnetic draw—others gravitate toward them. We have a desire to be near them because it just feels so good to be in their presence.
One more simple, but powerful tool I use when feeling violated or tempted to take on the role of victim is to mentally chant, It's not About Me, It's Not About Me, It's Not About Me. Repeating (and believing) these words shifts us to a higher state of awareness. We become more objective—because we get out of the way! This very simple action from each of us would shift our environments (and perhaps our culture) to one of peace, non-judgment, joy. Leaving no room for anything else—smothering out the negative thoughts, actions, and behavior of the violators.
To bring real change takes personal will, determination, and a lot of courage, but it also takes a sense of feeling supported and loved. When we love people (and ourselves!) without expectation or condition, we are giving a Universal gift of healing—which "is" love. When we call upon that one (cosmic) love and choose to expand it, we bring lasting, permanent, healing. Surround yourself with loving people and you will not only be cured of any negative traits, but you will become that very thing you desire—love!
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